LOST.SCARE.ANXIOUS. this are some of the words that come to mind when I think about the last 2 years of my life.
The past two years of my life have been full of travels, children, life lessons and new friendships, I loved it, I enjoyed it, but if I want to be completely honest it was hard, it was painful at times. God made me see many things about myself that I hide under my skin for many years , things that I hide from everyone including myself. I always wanted to go into international missions and the race was the perfect place for me to experience it, to learn and to mature; it didn’t give me answers like I wanted to, it didn’t tell me what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life.
The problem was that I wanted an experience to tell me what I needed to do, I didn’t let God do that, I was afraid of what He may ask from me. So, I saw all my friends moving on with their lives, everyone in different directions; some of them going to College, other ones following their calling and some of them even getting engaged and now weddings are going on, so many beautiful things, but I was afraid to commit, I was afraid because I didn’t know what I wanted to, I was lost with no direction.
The biggest strongholds that I have in my life are the fear of failing, knowing that I can let people down, being afraid of letting God down.
So there I was in a new airplane, destination: London; purpose: an au pair job, not the worst thing, I enjoyed it like crazy, I became a mom for 6 months, but the feeling of being LOST and feeling that I had no future were always in my heart and mind. Don´t get me wrong God was always there speaking to my life, bringing new people to my life to speak life into me and encourage me in this process.
My time in London came to an end and I came back to Guatemala, with ideas of what I needed to do but some doors closed when I came back; and again I was LOST and ANXIOUS, with no idea of what to do next.
Let me tell you, all this time in the last 2 years God has been preparing me for something bigger, for something different to what I always thought my life was going to be. Deep inside of me, I always thought that wanting a life in the fashion business was taking away the missionary plans that I thought God had for my life. I didn´t allow myself to dream about doing both, about living my two passions; but now that God is revealing where my life is going, where I will finally have some stability for the next couple of years, I have been feeling SCARE and ANXIOUS, because I am going into a new season of my life, a 5 years commitment in university. I knew God was preparing me for this way before I knew where I was going, but I ignored it because I never thought to high of my self when it comes to study, I am afraid to fail, but God keeps reminding me that everything is good when it is from Him and for Him.
I will be studying something that I love and doing missions at the same time, God has control and He will guide me in this journey.
I am 21. I am learning. I am becoming in a better version of myself.
This is the beginning of a journey to transform, to learn and to live.
This is the beginning of becoming a woman with BOLDNESS.FEARLESS.FAITH.